Amongst crocheting an amigurumi Yoda and making a polymer clay miniature version of the house from Disney’s UP, starting a blog remained at the top of my constantly changing mental list of things to do when my degree was complete. My degree is now complete and after numerous failed attempts at crocheting an amigurumi Yoda and miniature making, I sit with a cup of tea and the unpleasant sounds of Fetty Wap’s “Trap Queen” playing in the background (not by choice) as I attempt this blog. I have a bad feeling about this. I’m the guy who could not keep a homework diary past the first 3 months of school.
If you think about it, I am basically an 80 year old woman. I can knit and sew, I bake and tie dye and I’m constantly complaining. I’m an Indian Barry Ronge with a limited vocabulary. I have decided, using my mental list that my first blog should be about alphabetised annoyances in my life (keeping with the 80 year old woman / Barry Ronge theme)
A– American’s pronunciation of the word aluminium. This grievance makes me grit my dentures and drop my 8mm knitting needles in frustration. It’s so bad that Biffy Clyro used it in a song. “I pronounce it aluminium, Cause there’s an I next to the U and M” I guess that’s the problem with using Queen Latifah’s English instead of Queen Elizabeth’s.
B– Baby Phat tracksuits. I stand firmly on this one. Thank you Kimora Lee for your contribution to fashion. I cannot believe that little Asian children with bound feet work in sweat shops to make these.
C– Checkers Hyper trolleys. Trolleys can be lovely, little cages on wonky wheels ready to carry your groceries so you don’t have to do so yourself. You give an apologetic look after bumping the lady in front of you, or after you drive so close that her shoe gets stuck under the front wheel. You laugh about it. She laughs about it. You slap her boob. She slaps your boob and you both walk away. Not Checkers Hyper trolleys. These monster trucks of trolleys are so big that they can accommodate a fully grown, pumpkin spiced latte sipping, pop tart eating, morbidly obese American. A knock with these and you can very well be saying goodbye to your calcaniums. This is a problem. Trolleys are too big, ice caps are melting. Sort it out Checkers, sort it out.
D– People who tag you in Happy Diwali, or Merry Christmas posts on Facebook. I’m luckily one half Hindu and one half Christian, I’ve got the best of both worlds, but then you are left with the “same you you” and “you too babe” replies of the 151 Facebook friends tagged in the same post. Not fond of those, never have and never will be.
E– The benefits of exercise on your body are incredible. The benefits to me of you constantly reminding me how much you benched or squatted are very little, maybe nothing at all. Silent exercising is close to Godliness (private tip, feel free to share). I’m still going to eat rice even if you tell me that quinoa is better for me. I’ll die at 30 without quinoa bits stuck at the back of my throat thanks.
F- Fan fiction. If J.K. Rowling wanted Harry and Ron’s mother to end up together, she would have written it that way. No need for your sick fantasies, high school girl.
G- Girls who struggle to walk in stilettos. The Dalai Lama once said that if one walks like a deer fresh out of the womb in a pair of stilettos, one should not be wearing that pair of stilettos. Thank you Dalai Lama, you are a very wise man and I would grant you a Visa.
H- hashtagging for fashion is not cool. Your hashtagging is not helping the victims of any attack. If you really want to help a victim, don’t scroll down without typing “Amen” and remember, one like equals one prayer.
I– South African Indian stereotypes. Believe it or not, we all do not like spicy food and fast cars. We don’t sit around in turbans and curly shoes and we don’t all have that accent, right?
J- Music by Jennifer Lopez. I struggle to understand if Jennifer Lopez is a singing actress of acting singer, because she’s equally bad at both. She’s a nice person though. I met her once, she edits my mental list.
K- The Kardashians. Combine a lawyer for a murderer and a fanny flashing daughter and what do you get? A reality TV show, millions of undeserved dollars and poorly named children. We all know Kris Jenner forced Bruce to get a sex change because the ratings were low. Quite frankly, I don’t care if Caitlyn Jenner pees standing up or sitting down. It doesn’t affect my life. I’m still poor.
L- Long waiting times on phone calls while Kenny G music plays in the background. South African Pharmacy Council, what’s good?
M– Gandhi once said “if you have a muffin top, you cannot wear a crop top”. Choose one. It may be like Sophie’s choice, but it has to be made. I may have said that. I’m also an Indian. I’ve taken a bus.
N- Noisy Cinema people (because I used the letter C for Checkers Trolleys instead of cinema etiquette). Rather sit at home in the dark with your stale popcorn, flat coke and combination DVDs than sit near me in the cinema and have a conversation.
O- We all know a person who says they have OCD when they actually don’t. OCD is an actual condition which requires treatment and should not be an excuse for you to touch my butt in 10 second intervals. Soz .
P- Pitbull. You taught me how count to four in Spanish. You taught me the names of extravagant places around the world. You taught me how not to dance and for that I am entirely grateful. I have nothing against the Latinos (see J for Jennifer Lopez music), some of my best friends are Latinos and I’ve let them cross my border. If you stop making music Pitbull, I will let you cross my border too.
Q– The Queen, a delightful, colour coordinated, Aunt Caroline- like woman. Quail, a tiny bird that lays dainty eggs for Masterchef challenges. Quasimodo, a misunderstood hunchback. I love them all. It annoys me that I don’t have anything for this letter.
R- Racism. We, as a nation have overcome this. The only thing worse than P.W. Botha like mentality is your chipped nail polish Tannie. Go back to the end of the line.
S- Social experiments on Youtube. Everyone in these are actors. Not fooling me today.
T- Thin shaming. Too many overweight girls shame thin girls in my opinion. Don’t hate on the Victoria’s Secret Angels. They work extremely hard for their bodies. I know this because my New Year’s Eve consists of me eating braaied meat and watching the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Don’t hate on the thigh gap because the only thigh gap you have is the interval between eating two KFC chicken thighs. Mother Teresa said that, not me.
U- urine on the floor in public toilets. The penis is a simple organ. It can be aimed. But in order for it to be aimed properly for a successful urination, it needs to be held and given direction. Not cool if your streams are like NSYNC and goes in separate directions.
V- Vervet monkeys. If you’re a baby vervet monkey and you sit on my porch, I will give you a piece of fruit or a slice of bread. If you’re an aggressive male vervet monkey displaying the loveliest shade of blue, I will chase you away. My life’s motto.
W- Wine tasters or sommeliers are pretentious folk who lie to the bourgeois about flavours experienced in wine. Let’s face it, the only reason you taste woody undertones in your wine is because it’s been kept in a wooden barrel. The only reason you are tasting hints of blue cheese is because a worker accidentally stepped in one of these barrels. You can’t fool me wine tasters, I’m Napoleon.
X– going to skip this one. Don’t need the letter “X”, we have “eks”
Y- You people who demonize technology. People who say that technology is ruining our generation and then proceed to make videos about it and post it onto Youtube are the reason for global warming.
Z- zebra skin mats. Or any animal skins that are sold as mats. I have no respect for people who buy these.
1406 words of me complaining about petty things. Its as if I’m getting woody undertones in my Starbucks. I’m such a first world, knit-one- purl-one hipster granny.
Hope it was worth a read.
Sidebar- I’m a 22 year old, South African Indian guy. (not the kind of Indian that floods your Facebook inbox looking for friendship.