Amongst numerous people questioning my sexuality (I’m a guy who’s more effeminate in nature than others/some/most), another constant in my life has always been acne. Other/some/most kids inherit money from their grandfathers, some inherit property. I on the other hand, inherited acne. Pimples in all their glory like the sixth plague of Egypt at the ready to mar the face of a child as pure as baby Jesus in the manger. I sit and wonder, why me? My life goals are world peace, getting onto the Ellen DeGeneres show and clear skin. Sign me up for American politics.
After seeking the easy way out to achieving my life’s goal of being acne free, I’ve come across crystal meth for the skin, the wonder drug with more side effects than positives. I’ve always been afraid of trying Roaccutane, mainly because it has the potential to lead to depression and suicide. (I do not exaggerate) After consulting the ancestors, besides the grandfather that gave me this acne, and reading up on it in various reference books, I’ve mustered up the courage to start roaccutane (well it’s generic because I’m not paid enough)
I’ve spent the last two months being the weird pharmacist *whispers intern* that had been asking patients about the side effects that they had been experiencing while using roaccutane. I weighed the pros against the cons on the scales of justice like all good Anubis’ do (ten points for my second ancient Egypt reference), got my liver function tested and started what will be a six month course of sebaceous gland shrinking happiness. Liver function tests are always a pro. It’s great to know that all the years of NOT drinking alcohol has yielded a liver so good that Leonardo DiCaprio might want to eat it if we were left to die in the snow. Another pro is the wonderfully pink lips you get when you’re on roaccutane. Wildly beautiful shades of pink that range from cherry blossom to dog penis with coral, magenta and rose inbetween. Why spend money on ridiculously priced lipsticks when you can get the lip colour that you were always meant to wear with roaccutane. “Maybe she’s born with it, maybe its roaccutane”
Second on the list of pros is the feeling of skin so dry you’re tempted to walk on it wearing leather sandals whilst reading the New Testament sized label that’s sewn onto your shirt from cotton on. It’s so bad that you have to invest in French skincare products which are basically water from a mountain formulated into minimalist, pretentious packaging that tricks our third world mind into buying them.
Another pro is the amazing sensation of eyes so dry you wake up like in the morning being able to see the very same amount as Stevie Wonder. However, the feeling surpasses as soon as you instil lubricating artificial tears ironically named “tears naturelle” (product placement). In my quest of being a good pharmacist *whispers intern* I’ve compiled a list of pros and cons of using roaccutane.
PRO: It may make you suicidal.
CON: my insurance doesn’t cover that.
PRO: it may give you inflammatory bowel disease.
CON: shitting at work (I have not experienced this, don’t write that down Margaret)
PRO: it may send you into a depression
CON: psychiatric drugs are expensive.
PRO: it can cause clotting of the blood
CON: losing a leg
PRO: it can make you aggressive
CON: not being able to kick someone who’s annoying you because you’ve lost a leg from the blood clot.
PRO: it can cause an allergic reaction
PRO: it can increase the skin’s sensitivity to light
CON: can’t take selfies
PRO: it can reduce bone density
CON: not being able to kick someone who’s annoying you because of your osteoporosis
I’m going to end this blog as bluntly as James before I make any more jokes that are as dry as my eyes. There are four things that I have realised whilst writing this uninspiring blog: it’s evident that the pros outweigh the cons in this situation and that everyone should be on roaccutane, recreationally.
I should quit while it’s still early.
I will not achieve world peace by trolling Youtubers.
Also, I have realised that the only way you can be on the Ellen Degeneres show is if you’re adorable and talented (of which I’m one), if you’re a single mother, if you have been away in the army and returned or if you’re a celebrity.
I’m busy working on that last one and I think it’s working because I’ve just received a message that there’s available singles in my area that want to meet me.
Sidenote: #NotGayJustEffeminate #LimpWrist also, I know the difference between a pro and con.