Disappointment as big as the Long Island Medium’s hair is what I’d equate being 2nd rounded for community service feels like. Waking up significantly early with more sleep in your eyes than actual tears, to log into a poorly designed website only to be told that your application is unsuccessful. It’s a great way to start the day, especially when you have to fake care about the codeine addicts that visit the pharmacy. I do a lot of fake caring, and fake smiling, and fake most things, actually, I’m the guy who forged his mother’s signature on his homework in grade 2 to avoid having his name put down on the defaulter’s chart. It’s part of my charm. But you can’t really fake not caring about not knowing which 50 kilometer dirt road you’ll have to subject your car to in community service to travel to an area and live with a roommate that probably wouldn’t care about not leaving crumbs in the butter.
I need the powers of Theresa Caputo, just to speak to my dead relatives to get me a place for comm serve. That woman is a master at faking. Imagine getting paid to tell people what they want to hear, It’s pretty much my job as a pharmacist. I joke, I actually help people, at least I’d like to think so. The only gift that the Long Island medium has is being able to lie to people and not pay taxes, much like the president. I’ve had some time to think about things worse than being 2nd rounded and in my dramatic style have fashioned another pessimistic, list styled blog about 10 things that are not actually worse than being 2nd rounded for comm serve but I’m allowed to vent. I pay tax.
- Embarrassing bodies- I actually love the show, but what I don’t appreciate is having somebody whip out a crop circle sized areolar and pressing it against my screen when there clearly isn’t any need to.
- My big fat fabulous life- Do we really need to be celebrating and promoting a woman’s lack of visible knee and ankles. To me there’s nothing attractive about a clogged artery or having to sit in an upright position to take your TNT. Do we really need to celebrate America’s obesity with a show TLC? (maybe I just envy that woman’s confidence)
- Stalling at a stop street- I don’t know, there’s just something about switching off at a stop street 3 times to make you feel like crap, especially taking off only to have the traffic light turn red again for the people behind you. Sidenote: I’m a new driver.
- DONALD TRUMP
- The dog face snapchat filters- why is it always there? How can we get rid of it? Why can you try it with a friend? Perhaps TLC could make a show about getting rid of it.
- CPDs- I’ve gone through getting into university, eight different strikes, and studying a semester long module on malaria which is about as relevant to me as Gary’s twisted testicle in embarrassing bodies only to have to submit 8 CPDs in my internship. Can council leave us alone please. Thanks.
- Guy Fieri- You know this guy; he looks like he’d leave crumbs in the butter. He travels across America eating pulled pork/ looking like pork. No etiquette. Takes three bites at once. Talks while he eats. Probably a republican. Probably on a statin.
- Codeine Addicts- people you want to smack when/if they’re sober because the codeine takes away any rational thought and feeling. Why are drug addicts so dark though? Can TLC make a show please? Sidenote: I’m dark, so I’m allowed to ask.
- Walking anti-clockwise around the Temple- My religion is pretty much fluid so going to the Temple for the first time to get my car blessed was something new to me. Note to self, just because the peacocks walk anti-clockwise around the Temple, it doesn’t make it fine for me to do. Even if they’ve been there longer.
- Doctor’s Secretaries- Probably the most annoying people that you would encounter as a community pharmacist. I’m sorry Sharon* but your one matric A for life orientation doesn’t qualify you to write a script for a patient.
*not her real name
I’ll probably get into trouble for that last one.
The second list of spots available for community service needs to come out already, I’m spiraling into a depression (not really). It’s so bad (not really) that earlier on today I did a quiz to find out which Disney princess I am based on my McDonalds order. Thanks Buzzfeed, I’m totes def a Rapunzel. I hate waiting, but for now I’ll sit curled in my blanket which I finally managed to crochet (see Instagram: @craig_perumal) while watching The People vs OJ Simpson which is a great series. Everyone needs to know Marcia Clark, make a show TLC.